Early this morning I had general anesthesia for a procedure. I found myself terrified and crying when the anesthesiologist introduced herself to me. Memories of going through multiple treatments of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), came flooding back to me. ECT is a medical treatment most commonly used in patients with severe, major depression or bipolar disorder depression that has not responded to other treatments. It involves a brief electrical stimulation to the brain while the patient is under anesthesia.
I was in a major, bipolar depression for longer than six months. Medication management and talk therapy were not helping to alleviate the mood. It was a very dark portion of my life. And I felt this treatment was a last resort. I went for ECT treatments a couple of times a week for a few months. It was an awful experience, and I eventually came out of the depression. I have experienced significant memory loss, alongside trouble making new memories from the procedures. I would never utilize this treatment again in my recovery journey.
I was so scared this morning and it brought me back to that frightening place six years ago when I received ECT. The nurse this morning was very kind. She held my hand while the anesthesia was administered and I squeezed her hand with all my strength as the tears flowed until I drifted away. It has been a day to remind myself that I have come a long way in six years. To take care of myself emotionally, be kind to myself, and remind me that right now, right here, I am safe.
Take good care,
Christine
"You may shoot me with your words. You may cut me with your eyes. You may kill me with our hatefulness. But still, like air, I'll rise." -- Maya Angelou
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